Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
