i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
