he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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