I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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