the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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