I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
