I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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