mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
