You made me cry and you don't even care
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
