that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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