Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
