Umm I'm too high to move.
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
