Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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