I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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