i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
