i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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