i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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