No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
