I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
