I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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