when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Bring me that man meat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
