The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Your cock deserves a montage
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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