she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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