this boner is exhausting
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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