Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
