my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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