I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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