She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
