By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
