If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize