Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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