Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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