if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
