then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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