i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
