So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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