hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
