Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize