awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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