i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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