and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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