yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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