Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
