cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
