Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
