no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
