I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
