I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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