remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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