I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
