Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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