dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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