i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
