I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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