hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize