Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
