Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
People with herpes should wear stickers.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
